I’ve tried my hardest to avoid writing about the War on Christmas, which has become almost as much a holiday tradition as Christmas itself. The modern assault on everyone’s favorite winter solstice bacchanal began in 1921, when Henry Ford published “The International Jew”. In the following decades the anti-Christmas banner was carried into battle by the UN, and then still later by the ACLU.

Now Bill O’Reilly (R-Falafel) has brought this paranoid little game full circle, blaming a conspiracy of liberal Jews who made their money in international finance. The general form of the argument has remained the same, even as the infidels-in-chief have changed. Richard Hofstadter wrote in his essay, “The Paranoid Style in American Politics”:

The typical procedure of the higher paranoid scholarship is to start with such defensible assumptions and with a careful accumulation of facts, or at least of what appear to be facts, and to marshal these facts toward an overwhelming ‘proof’ of the particular conspiracy that is to be established.

The rot has set in on the other side of the Atlantic, as well. Andrew Rilstone has a nice essay debunking one particular anti-Christmas outrage in England, the contours of which are familiar to anyone in this country who has seen the right-wing grievance machine at work.

Anyways, suffice it to say that, even after 84 years, the forces of Evil have been unable to to stamp out Christmas. But today, I figured out how they will succeed. I have seen their secret weapon, and it is the Trotskyite fifth columnists who are in charge of the music selection at West Towne Mall.

Now, I love Christmas music. It’s part of what makes December such a wonderful month. If you haven’t listened to a Christmas concert by the Dun Laoghaire Choral Society and the Irish Chamber Orchestra, you’re missing out. Likewise if you didn’t see the Madison Symphony’s Christmas concert last weekend. I’m a traditionalist about my Christmas music, but even the “Silver Bells” variety is fun when you’re shopping. I say this to make the point that there is a wide variety of Christmas music, secular and religious, which is an enjoyable part of the holiday season.

So I cannot fathom why the West Towne Mall decided to play a version of “What Child Is This” — one of my all-time favorites — set to the style and tune of Strokin’, by Clarence Carter. Even now, as the horrible memory fades, my ears are still bleeding. When I hear “Let loving hearts enthrone him”, I don’t want to think about strokin’ it to the east, and I don’t think any Christmas hymn should end with a metaphorical “Oooh shit, Clarence Carter!”

Posted by Ben Brothers at 9:04 pm, 7 December 2005 and filed under Madison News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.